I'm a blog failure...

I mean really? I think all these amazing things that I really should be writing down. Why don't I? Oh yeahhhhhh, life....it happens everyday! Dammit!! Okay, I'll try harder....tomorrow....

Once upon a time...

There was a girl named Buffy. She only wanted what was best for her kids...

Who said life was going to be so hard? I know all the sayings..."God only gives you what you can handle." What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....This too shall pass. It is what it is....

I get it, I get it. It still sucks. The kids are doing exceptionally well. Maddy probably is doing the worst. She misses her Daddy. I don't know that she understands completely what is going on. But, she does understand that he doesn't live here anymore. Mason is calmer, happier, much more relaxed. Macy is just Macy. She's like me, she rolls with the punches....Oh look, another "saying."

I never thought this would be so agonizing on the inside. I was so sure of what was going on and what was best for us, and I still know those things, but I question myself about every 10 minutes.

Last Friday night was a doozy of a night for me. I've deleted my facebook acct. See, I have met someone. A very nice someone. And we are now friends on facebook. So, I guess all that online flirting just send one of my 455 friends over the edge. So much to the point that this person decided it would be okay to print off...hhhmmmm, about 50 pages of my status', comments, etc. as well as this person that I've met...his updates, etc. and provide them to Chris in a restaurant parking lot. Drama much? I think that because this person is not involved in my daily life...they didn't know we had divorced and they truly thought they were blowing the cover on this horrid affair I was having via facebook. Seriously? Really? Because I'm stupid and going to do that. It still didn't fair well for Chris. I think it was the very moment when he understood....IT'S OVER. Buffy has moved on. It absolutely broke his heart. And instead of crying and all the other stuff girls do...he lost it. Absolutely LOST it. Now, with that being said, the crying has begun. The begging on my front porch. Emails. So sad. Pathetic. And I really can only say....five years to late. And now I have the guilt that it's over. When it really should be him, but it's me....because I always just wanted what was best for my kids. And then I think about the last five years and realize...this is whats best for my kids...

Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmm. Life is a pain in the ass sometimes. I want that to be a quote.

I have so much to tell you.....

I feel like I'm ready to be back. It's been a bumpy few months, but I'm feeling better now. Chris and I are headed for a divorce. I hate to even say the words out loud because it's like admitting to everyone....YES! I'm a failure AGAIN. I'm not good at marriage. With that being said, maybe marriage just isn't good at me. LOL.

I have been blessed through the Christmas season by so many good friends and so many good things. At the same time, I lost people in my lives that I thought were my friends and turned out....just weren't.

Kids are okay. Maddy just got over a 3 week stay in a great pink cast due to a Maddy jumping off the bed incident. (It's a trundle...long story). She's been quite clingy. Mason has turned out to be super successful at school (yes, I know it's kindergarten) and Macy is just being Macy. Perfect as always. I have found her fault though...a clean room. UGH. She's starting to get that little stinging, mean teenage sarcasm. Like...."You're wearing that?" I need to nominate you for WHAT NOT TO WEAR. Lovely. Thanks.

I feel like the next four seasons are going to be the best in my life. 2009 brought A LOT of changes in my life. I left my "dream job." I made it through a possible foreclosure. Lost friends, gained friends, lost husband....meaning he just wasn't for me anymore. 2010 is my recovery period. It's all about finding happiness and keeping my kids happy. We are well on our way.

Welcome to 2010....Buffy style. Happy, upbeat style....Four Seasons style. LOVE IT.

Six months.

It's been six months since I last posted. So much has happened. So much is happening. I'll tell you more. In time. The last thing I wrote about that was so heavy on my heart has resolved itself. My Mom. She lives in the next town over from me now. Shocking isn't it? That something can come that full circle? It did! I love knowing shes that close. I don't see her everday and thats okay, but she's there. Chris is unemployed AGAIN. That has not made our lives easy. We are surviving. The preschool inhouse is still going VERY well. I'm happy with that situation. I'm blessed by the parents that are trusting me with their kids. I'm blessed my children, my friends. So much to say....I'll say it in time.

WOW!!

It's been over a month since I last posted an update. I guess that's my blog sabatical! There has been so much going on. I'll update this weekend, I promise!! As for this moment, I don't have time!! I'm trying to get my kiddos out the door for DONUT Saturday. This is our tradition and Daddy is working today, so I have to take over. I'm going out of town tonight for a "mental break" from my life. I'll return Sunday night....

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to all! It's been a pretty uneventful day around here....I cooked lunch. A traditional Easter feast....Ham, mashed potatoes, corn, Mac and cheese, and rolls...Skipped the salad...with....my ex-husband and kids. Chris had to work and Darin is family, so he came over and enjoyed lunch with us....

I have a plethora of things to say. I want to tell you about BFW and how awesome it truly was. I want to tell you how sad I am that I still have not talked to my Mom and how this is weighing sooo heavily on my chest, almost like someone standing on top of it to the point that I can't breath...but, I'm trying to clean and get my work done today in anticiptation of another great week. Everything is going well here as far as my little preschool goes. Looks like I will continue it for the time being...

And so I leave you for now....

He has risen!!!

Still no word....

I've sent my apology to my Mom, I emailed it because she won't take my calls to hear it person to person. I have texted her numerous times, including today after a call from my brother telling me she had quit her new job in Houston telling her I was worried about her and to please call me and that I loved her. Chris has now told me to lay off. He told me she obviously needs time. The weird thing is, normally this would have me all in a tizzy....and I'm good. I'm calm. I miss her. So much. I really do. But, I know that she loves me too much and my kids too much to allow this to go on forever. Next weekend is Easter. I guess she won't be coming. I'm sad, but moving forward.

This weekend is my BFW. (Best Friends Weekend). You may recall my trip last year with Kathryn (Khaki) to Canton. I am so excited that this is becoming an annual event...We're looking forward to low key dinners, pedicures, movies, book stores, no kids (sorry-true), no husbands and each other! She is one of my oldest friends....I know I've told the story before, but she has been my friend since 1994. Freshman year at ETSU! She is amazing. And we, for the most part were polar opposites in college. As we have aged, I think that we have a lot more in common than we did then, but she is my rock. I can call her in the middle of the night and she will give me awesome advice. OR I may not talk to her for weeks and when she calls, it's like I talked to her minutes before. We've been through a bunch of crap together. Too much crap. But, we've done it together and I am a better person for having her in my life. I am super duper excited about this weekend. So, Canton carts are out and ready to roll!!

Pray for me. All of your messages on Facebook, texts, email have really helped me get through this with my Mom. I'm sad, but I know it will all work out.

~Buffy

Mom versus Dad....

Okay, I screwed up. Big time. This will include a huge back story of which the details may be a little bit out of order. I was born to a Mom and a Dad. They had me when they were both 20. (Had gotten married at 18). I saw my Dad until I was 5. At which time, I was adopted by my stepfather who raised me until he and my Mom were divorced when I was a sophomore in high school. At this point, my REAL DAD came back into our lives and my parents tried to reconcile. Didn't work. Back to California my Dad went. My Mom then met my stepdad that she was married to until a few years ago and is now living with again, but not married to. I think. Anyway....a few years back my Dad contacted me again. We had been in and out of touch for years. Actually for a lot of different reasons, my anger, his absence just because, etc. So, we finally reconnected after the birth of my son and things have been going well since. Well, except that I was lying to my Mom the entire time about the relationship. I was "protecting" her. I didn't want her to think I loved her any less because I loved my father. Crazy, I know. She didn't know I went to California for 14 days to see my Dad. My children were told to sssshhhhhh...keep quiet. (I know!! I'm an awful mother). My kids LOVE my Dad. He is the best "Grandpal." I didn't want her to be hurt.

Well, this Saturday I sent a picture of Maddy to my Mom and my Dad in the SAME TEXT!! Somehow my Dad replied to all with the comment of...Kitty Kat (Maddy's nickname) looks like you did at that age and a perfect mix of you and your Mom. A sweet comment. But, my Mom somehow wasn't impressed. So, she forwarded me his message...as if to say....I know. She will now not return my texts, phone calls, Macy's phone calls, etc. I have decided that she will need time to deal with this. I cannot apologize for loving my Dad any longer. I love him. I didn't pick him...she did. I'm sorry that she is hurt by him. I'm sorry that he screwed up. But, he's my Dad. And that's obviously not changing.

So, that's the story...any advice???

The bad KAT!

This cute little girl is the reason that I'm going gray at 33.



She is also the reason Chris is going bald at 33.



Because as cute as she is and as much as everyone ooohhhsss and awwwwwwwss over her...she will give Chris and I a run for our money more than all our kids combined!! She is something else. And we love her...very, very, very much. She is also the reason I will never...I repeat never...have another child. If she had been my first she would have been my last!!!

Trust and knowing who your friends are....

I have always been "green." So green that in high school my boyfriend referred to someone else as green and I asked what that meant. I am naive to a fault. Sometimes I think it is a great feature to have and other times I think it is a fault. I found out today by accident that since December I was being lied to by three people that I had the utmost respect for and confidence in. The type of people that "had my back." When actually, the whole time they were undermining me. I don't get it. As much as I am moving forward with my life, it's hard not to reflect and think about what I could have done, what I should have done....etc, etc. With all of that being said, I am happier than I have been in years. I am so good. I love my kids. I even love my husband a little more these days. I feel "carefree." In the last two weeks Chris and I have talked more, laughed more, spent more time together...

Last weekend was our trip to Houston. This weekend our friends the Mann's stayed with us two nights. We ate out and had a great time!! I love Misty. We can't wait for the Summer to come so we can head to Paris and swim with the kids!

In closing, I really want everyone to know that I am so grateful for my friends. I have better friends than I ever knew could exist. Friends that really do "have my back." Without naming real names....The B's, The G's, The D's, The S's, The S's, The S's, The E's, The S's, The T's, The M's and the B's. These families and friends have rallied around me like I never expected. They have loved me, they have helped me, they are so supportive. I am beyond blessed!!

My fellow blog sister....

Corey asked me to post a link to her site.....She is an inspiration to all who know her and to those who think they do!! :) She is one of my favorite people!!! She rocks!!

Hope you can help her out...I will be!!

Hhhmmmm....

So much to say. I went to see my Mom this weekend. We had the best time. Lots of bargain shopping...lots of laughing.

Started my Monday out with a very happy disposition and then I got an email that upset me. I love email. I would rather use email. But, sometimes it just sucks. I can't tell whether this email intended to sound as ugly as it did, so I had a friend read it. She said....delete it. That person is not your friend. Which makes me sad. Very sad. I could explain and explain, but I just want to move on. So, I am.

I'll post some pictures of my kids later. We are gearing up for a big night of Dancing with the Stars. I didn't watch last season, but I'm excited about this seasons cast....AND now I have the time to watch it, which is even better.

Have a great week. I'll try to post pics tomorrow!!

Fancy Nancy....

Macy's school has this awesome day every year where the kids dress as their favorite book characters....

This year she chose...Fancy Nancy....Another one of my favorites was Choclatina...She's so silly!!!

No words...only smiles....

Have I mentioned that I have the MOST amazing girlfriends ever?

I gained weight!

I'm just putting it out there for the world (5 people who read this blog) to see. I gained .8 of a pound this week. That is point eight. Not quite a pound. I also ate brisket, baked beans, LOTS of potato salad, two cheeseburgers from McDonalds and a Large french fry, 3 margaritas....and I'm sure so much more than I'm remembering the past four days. My friend Shannon suggested I just write in my WW journal....BLEW IT!! Okay, so...I start over today.

And I have so much more to tell you...I'm doing GREAT. I'm happy. Clear headed. Things are going wonderfully around here.

We are all going to Houston this weekend to see my MOM. I'm excited.

Will post pictures soon of what I did this weekend!! You will be amazed!!

My week...

This week has been very trying for me. I have to say that I was definitely given the strength by God to get through it. But, I was also held up by angels here on earth. This week I made *one* of the most difficult decisions in my life by walking away from a job that I truly wanted to stay at. Unfortunately, I was forced to leave due to things I could no longer control. For years, I have felt that I needed to be strong for my family financially and hold us all together by making sure our mortgage was paid. Well, for whatever reason, Monday night I decided (Chris helped decide) that I was done. I guess God figured out how we were going to pay our mortage and I resigned from a job that was more than a job. It was my life. It was what I thought about nonstop for 7 years. I walked away on Monday and have not gone back. Don't think this was an easy decision for me. It wasn't. I agonized over it. I still am. I am sad that I will not see my kids everyday. My kids being other peoples kids. I am sad for the parents. I am sad for the teachers. But, I was carried through this week by an amazing group of friends. I could not have gotten through this without all of you. Your prayers. Your calls. Your texts. Your emails. Your thoughts. Your dropping by. Your speaking out in my behalf. Your passion. I have been blessed in the last two years with the most supportive friends I have ever had in my life. The old saying is true....you really find out who your real friends are when the chips are down....Thank you for being my true friends!! I am so blessed by each one of you individually. I will never forget what you have done for me!!

Sooo, I'm at home...cleaning and LOVING my life!!

So, everyone told me I would feel better immediately after quitting my job that had brought me such grief in the last six months. I doubted them. But, they were right!! I feel so much better. The calls from my parents have meant the world to me and my friends have rallied around me. I am going to be okay. I feel so clear headed. I hate hearing the things that are going on there. It makes me sad, but it's their reality now. Things could have been done differently. Now, it is time for the next chapter in my life....

Announcement #2

I lost.....
..........
..........


2.2 pounds this week!!

Heck yeah!! I'll take that!!

Total for two weeks.......


7 pounds....


Pray for me tomorrow. Ultrasound at the hospital....Chris is going with me for "moral" support....I think he just wants to go out to eat....

Announcement #1....

I am doing announcements "backwards." But, I can't weigh in until tonights meeting....

Sooo....My big announcement....


I QUIT MY JOB. I GAVE THEM A LETTER OF RESIGNATION THAT JUST STATED THAT EFFECTIVE IMMEDIATELY I WAS RESIGNING. AND I'M SAD AND KIND OF LOST, BUT MORE THAN ANYTHING, STRESS FREE TODAY!!

Say a prayer for me. I'm going to need it.

P.S. I'll let you know how much I lost (hopefully lost) later....

Announcement tomorrow...well...two announcements.

First announcement will be how much weight I lost...will know tomorrow....

Second announcement will be the news I was going to tell you on April 1st...but figured February 24th would suffice. I can't wait until April 1st. In fact, I couldn't wait until February 24th. It happened today. I will update you tomorrow. I'm tired right now. Emotionally exhausted.

Say a little prayer for me....