I'm a blog failure...

I mean really? I think all these amazing things that I really should be writing down. Why don't I? Oh yeahhhhhh, life....it happens everyday! Dammit!! Okay, I'll try harder....tomorrow....

Once upon a time...

There was a girl named Buffy. She only wanted what was best for her kids...

Who said life was going to be so hard? I know all the sayings..."God only gives you what you can handle." What doesn't kill you makes you stronger....This too shall pass. It is what it is....

I get it, I get it. It still sucks. The kids are doing exceptionally well. Maddy probably is doing the worst. She misses her Daddy. I don't know that she understands completely what is going on. But, she does understand that he doesn't live here anymore. Mason is calmer, happier, much more relaxed. Macy is just Macy. She's like me, she rolls with the punches....Oh look, another "saying."

I never thought this would be so agonizing on the inside. I was so sure of what was going on and what was best for us, and I still know those things, but I question myself about every 10 minutes.

Last Friday night was a doozy of a night for me. I've deleted my facebook acct. See, I have met someone. A very nice someone. And we are now friends on facebook. So, I guess all that online flirting just send one of my 455 friends over the edge. So much to the point that this person decided it would be okay to print off...hhhmmmm, about 50 pages of my status', comments, etc. as well as this person that I've met...his updates, etc. and provide them to Chris in a restaurant parking lot. Drama much? I think that because this person is not involved in my daily life...they didn't know we had divorced and they truly thought they were blowing the cover on this horrid affair I was having via facebook. Seriously? Really? Because I'm stupid and going to do that. It still didn't fair well for Chris. I think it was the very moment when he understood....IT'S OVER. Buffy has moved on. It absolutely broke his heart. And instead of crying and all the other stuff girls do...he lost it. Absolutely LOST it. Now, with that being said, the crying has begun. The begging on my front porch. Emails. So sad. Pathetic. And I really can only say....five years to late. And now I have the guilt that it's over. When it really should be him, but it's me....because I always just wanted what was best for my kids. And then I think about the last five years and realize...this is whats best for my kids...

Hhhhhmmmmmmmmmm. Life is a pain in the ass sometimes. I want that to be a quote.

I have so much to tell you.....

I feel like I'm ready to be back. It's been a bumpy few months, but I'm feeling better now. Chris and I are headed for a divorce. I hate to even say the words out loud because it's like admitting to everyone....YES! I'm a failure AGAIN. I'm not good at marriage. With that being said, maybe marriage just isn't good at me. LOL.

I have been blessed through the Christmas season by so many good friends and so many good things. At the same time, I lost people in my lives that I thought were my friends and turned out....just weren't.

Kids are okay. Maddy just got over a 3 week stay in a great pink cast due to a Maddy jumping off the bed incident. (It's a trundle...long story). She's been quite clingy. Mason has turned out to be super successful at school (yes, I know it's kindergarten) and Macy is just being Macy. Perfect as always. I have found her fault though...a clean room. UGH. She's starting to get that little stinging, mean teenage sarcasm. Like...."You're wearing that?" I need to nominate you for WHAT NOT TO WEAR. Lovely. Thanks.

I feel like the next four seasons are going to be the best in my life. 2009 brought A LOT of changes in my life. I left my "dream job." I made it through a possible foreclosure. Lost friends, gained friends, lost husband....meaning he just wasn't for me anymore. 2010 is my recovery period. It's all about finding happiness and keeping my kids happy. We are well on our way.

Welcome to 2010....Buffy style. Happy, upbeat style....Four Seasons style. LOVE IT.

Six months.

It's been six months since I last posted. So much has happened. So much is happening. I'll tell you more. In time. The last thing I wrote about that was so heavy on my heart has resolved itself. My Mom. She lives in the next town over from me now. Shocking isn't it? That something can come that full circle? It did! I love knowing shes that close. I don't see her everday and thats okay, but she's there. Chris is unemployed AGAIN. That has not made our lives easy. We are surviving. The preschool inhouse is still going VERY well. I'm happy with that situation. I'm blessed by the parents that are trusting me with their kids. I'm blessed my children, my friends. So much to say....I'll say it in time.

WOW!!

It's been over a month since I last posted an update. I guess that's my blog sabatical! There has been so much going on. I'll update this weekend, I promise!! As for this moment, I don't have time!! I'm trying to get my kiddos out the door for DONUT Saturday. This is our tradition and Daddy is working today, so I have to take over. I'm going out of town tonight for a "mental break" from my life. I'll return Sunday night....

Happy Easter!

Happy Easter to all! It's been a pretty uneventful day around here....I cooked lunch. A traditional Easter feast....Ham, mashed potatoes, corn, Mac and cheese, and rolls...Skipped the salad...with....my ex-husband and kids. Chris had to work and Darin is family, so he came over and enjoyed lunch with us....

I have a plethora of things to say. I want to tell you about BFW and how awesome it truly was. I want to tell you how sad I am that I still have not talked to my Mom and how this is weighing sooo heavily on my chest, almost like someone standing on top of it to the point that I can't breath...but, I'm trying to clean and get my work done today in anticiptation of another great week. Everything is going well here as far as my little preschool goes. Looks like I will continue it for the time being...

And so I leave you for now....

He has risen!!!

Still no word....

I've sent my apology to my Mom, I emailed it because she won't take my calls to hear it person to person. I have texted her numerous times, including today after a call from my brother telling me she had quit her new job in Houston telling her I was worried about her and to please call me and that I loved her. Chris has now told me to lay off. He told me she obviously needs time. The weird thing is, normally this would have me all in a tizzy....and I'm good. I'm calm. I miss her. So much. I really do. But, I know that she loves me too much and my kids too much to allow this to go on forever. Next weekend is Easter. I guess she won't be coming. I'm sad, but moving forward.

This weekend is my BFW. (Best Friends Weekend). You may recall my trip last year with Kathryn (Khaki) to Canton. I am so excited that this is becoming an annual event...We're looking forward to low key dinners, pedicures, movies, book stores, no kids (sorry-true), no husbands and each other! She is one of my oldest friends....I know I've told the story before, but she has been my friend since 1994. Freshman year at ETSU! She is amazing. And we, for the most part were polar opposites in college. As we have aged, I think that we have a lot more in common than we did then, but she is my rock. I can call her in the middle of the night and she will give me awesome advice. OR I may not talk to her for weeks and when she calls, it's like I talked to her minutes before. We've been through a bunch of crap together. Too much crap. But, we've done it together and I am a better person for having her in my life. I am super duper excited about this weekend. So, Canton carts are out and ready to roll!!

Pray for me. All of your messages on Facebook, texts, email have really helped me get through this with my Mom. I'm sad, but I know it will all work out.

~Buffy